Expert Dog Reveals Tips for Obtaining Maximum Food this Thanksgiving

Disclaimer: After reading this post that my dog has written, I would like to add that it does not suggest in any way that a dog’s binge eating of human food is healthy. If anything, it should help us humans identify our dog’s sneaky behavior when they try to get our food.


The season of hideous costumes and pumpkin candles is over.

And the truth is, I’m glad it is. Nothing good comes from this holiday. I feel similar angst Christmas day as every year the radio loves to remind me how horrible Christmas music is. I mean, how many pop artists does it take to cover “All I Want for Christmas is You” until the human race is satisfied? As for New Years Eve, I’m usually asleep. And the Fourth of July plain sucks. I mean, leave it to humans to find enjoyment in and clap after watching colored specs fly in the sky for an hour straight.

Pictured is me thinking about how the endless covers of “All I Want for Christmas is You” still don’t make it a good song.

That’s why I have decided, nothing and I mean nothing will ever top Thanksgiving…aka the holiday made for dogs.

All Halloween night, I watch my family give away perfectly good candy I could’ve had. Perfectly fine sweets that they instead pass on to unfamiliar children, just because they can ring a doorbell. But not this holiday.

This holiday, my family is too busy downing red wine and reconnecting with other family members to notice me, reaching the corner of the dinner table and dipping my tongue into a bowl of Betty Crocker mashed potatoes.

In my five years of living, I have mastered the art of receiving food on Thanksgiving. So, do you wanna know how to maximize your Thanksgiving earnings this year? Follow along for my expert tips which will help you score staple dishes like stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes and of course turkey.

The Eyes

I’m starting with an easy one. We have big eyes for a reason guys. We all know that if you look at a human long enough with your “puppy dog eyes” they are typically overwhelmed by your cuteness, gifting you food in exchange. You may find it difficult to use this skill with the humans in your household, but Thanksgiving guests are suckers. However, if you’re finding it difficult to get food because your owner has been telling guests not to give you food then here’s a secret: go for the Grandma. 

Tricks

Sometimes the eyes don’t work, which means you’ll have to put in a little more effort. And I’m not talking “sit.” I mean like lie down, jump, maybe even spin. To avoid wasted energy, make sure a guest is actually watching. This tip has worked for me numerous times because, for some reason, humans find it so assuming that dogs too can lie down.

I’m an expert at lying down.

Don’t Bark and Don’t Jump

I can’t express the importance of this rule enough. Humans do not like it when you jump on them. In general, they don’t like it when you attempt to retrieve food in an aggressive manner. Barking is both annoying and useless. It’s not like they know what we’re saying anyway so don’t disrupt the entire Thanksgiving dinner.

Stand Next to the Drunk Uncle

When all else fails, I must admit this is my go-to move. We all have one. He’s slurring, he’s spitting beer everywhere. But most importantly, he’s eating sloppily. His food has made its way all over his shirt and it is continuously dropping on the floor. Just before he can pick it up, his relative makes a sports-related comment like “How bout’ them Giants?” which ultimately infuriates him. This is when you swoop in.

In all this full, it is important to remember to, eat responsibly. Dogs and humans alike should be able to identify avoidable foods for dogs such as chocolate and grapes which are extremely toxic. This Thanksgiving, stick to the safe stuff.

I hope my tips reward a fatter Thanksgiving for all you canines. 

Happy begging!